Tiffany Han [00:00:00]: This week, we are talking about something that is so universal, and yet when we experience it, it can feel like we are the only people on the planet who have to deal with this. And it has kept so many of us from doing the things that we want to do in our lives, with our time, with our ideas for so long. That thing that we are talking about today is fear. Specifically, the fear that keeps us from taking action on the things that we say we want to do. And, and, oh, oh. On the things that matter the most, that deeply, truly matter. I know that you have experienced this fear. I experienced it multiple times today.

Tiffany Han [00:00:51]: I'm recording this at 03:00 p.m. and I had a moment this morning where I needed to look at something, and I just did not want to. And what I knew was, oh, I could put off doing this for the rest of my life. Does that sound familiar? And what I also knew was, this is fear, and it doesn't have to be real, and it doesn't have to be the boss of me. So today, I want to talk through what's happening with the fear, why trying to be the fear up is the wrong tactic, what to do instead, and then actually give you the specific steps to walk through in the moment when fear is showing up between you and the thing that you want to do. So let's get into it. I also want to let you know if you like what you hear. I have created a sheet for this week's episode that will walk you through the steps that I recommend you taking to address deal with manage your fear.

Tiffany Han [00:01:55]: And so you can click on the link in the show notes to download that. And it's something that my goal is that it becomes this great resource for you that you can use over and over and over again, especially in that moment, there can be that bigger cloud of fear. But what I want to think about is the fear that is showing up in the moment and is making a difference on whether or not you take action on what you want. So not the fear that comes when we're taking a walk or taking a shower or thinking about or talking about something, but, like, I want to do this, and you sit down and then you don't. Oh, I thought that was just procrastination. Yeah. There is so much procrastination that comes from fear. There is so much fear based procrastination out in the world.

Tiffany Han [00:02:43]: So this is gonna be one way, too, for you to beat procrastination. And here's my promise to you that by recognizing it as fear when the fear is showing up, and by walking through the steps that I am gonna share with you today, that fear is going to stop having so much power over you. I promise. Is it all gonna go away? Can we take the power of fear away 100%? No. Can I promise that the fear will not keep coming back? No. Because fear is a biological part of being human. Our brains, we have an amygdala. It creates fear.

Tiffany Han [00:03:24]: It's just what it does. And we actually don't want the fear to go away. What we're going to do instead is learn how to be with that fear, which is really just learning how to be with ourselves and how to take action despite it, without demanding that it leave the room before you can take the steps you want to take. First thing I want to address is that this fear that you have feels so deeply personal, so personal. And I am saying this as somebody who experiences fear all the time, who has also grappled with a lifetime of anxiety on nearly a lifetime of undiagnosed ADHD, a very poor relationship with alcohol, which does nothing to improve that ADHD or that anxiety. And so I am saying this to myself, too. The times when that fear shows up for you is going to be different than when it shows up for me or than when it shows up for someone else, which is another part of why it feels so personal. But I want you to know this, and if you take away nothing else, walk away with this.

Tiffany Han [00:04:34]: Is that everything that you experience, other people experience, too. Not only do they experience it, but it's actually this one thing that we all have in common. It's just that nobody's talking about it, nobody's saying it out loud. Nobody is like, oh, my God, I almost couldn't check my bank balance this morning because I was so afraid that I wasn't going to be able to cover this month's spells. And what I believe is that if we all talked about it out loud a little bit more often, then we would be able to figure out how to regain our power. Now, why do I not want you trying to beat up fear or kick its butt? We can get all rocky, rocky Balboa on it, which would be great. If we could just want to punch it, punch it out and be done with it and move on, that would be fantastic. But every time you try to fight the fear, all you end up doing is making it more powerful because you're giving it your attention and everything you pour into it, it is going to give back to you exponentially.

Tiffany Han [00:05:44]: So if you go into fear, angry and feisty and just wanting to set it on fire and kick it out the door and just, oh, pour all of that aggression into it. All that's gonna do is gonna make that fear bigger. Think about your fear as a little flame, and you show up and you are doing all this stuff, but you're creating all this air, and you're bringing all these new things into the situation. And maybe there's, like, a little bit of gasoline that you pour onto that fear. That's not gonna put the flame out, and it's not gonna help you separate yourself and your being from that fear. I wish it would. We have been taught so much that being disciplined and diligent and aggressive and hard and going hard and living up to everybody's expectations, and I am fearless. We have been taught that that is the, quote, right way to be at times can fake it till you make it.

Tiffany Han [00:06:44]: And if that works for you, great. Being that way in the past has worked for so many of us, and it has gotten us great things in our lives. It's also created a ton of safety for us in our lives, especially in our childhoods. And I want you to know that now, as an adult, there is a better way forward for you, a more loving way forward, and a more sustainable way forward that is so much easier for you to live, because you are not pouring all of your energy into fighting the fear. And so instead, you learn to work with it, and then on the other side, you actually have energy left to be in your life. Yes, please. So I want to give you a metaphor for how to think about fear. This is one of my favorite ways to envision fear and envision how I want to be in relationship with my fear, because we have to trust that our fear actually thinks it's doing us a favor.

Tiffany Han [00:07:52]: Our fear has y'all, the best of intentions. And there are theories out there that part of the reason that fear exists around things like, oh, I don't know, sending an email or responding to a text message or going somewhere or trying to parallel park a car, all the reasons that fear could show up. One of the theories is that our world has evolved faster than our brains have. And so our brains have all of these cavemen inspired mechanisms, all these things that they do, all these automatic processes that we no longer need. So we're having to find new ways to deal with them. And we know that an email is not the same as a dinosaur. Yes, we know that. But listen, in that moment when you get the email, that is like, oh, my God.

Tiffany Han [00:08:44]: I can't believe I have to deal with this now. What am I gonna do? We've all gotten that. It feels like you are staring down a T Rex in Jurassic park when you're in the jeep and then the side mirror and the thing comes up, right? So here is the way that I like to think about it. And you can picture this. Whether or not you are a parent, whatever your circumstances are, I want you to think about trying to put a child to bed. Four, five, six year old, a little kid. It is your job to get this child to close their eyes and go to sleep. It's a hero's job sometimes.

Tiffany Han [00:09:28]: And you're walking out of their room, lights off, shutting the door, and they say, wait, there's a monster under the bed. The fear is the fear of the monster. No, the fear is not the monster. The fear is the kid. Alarm. Alarm alert. Stop it. Oh, my God.

Tiffany Han [00:09:50]: What's gonna happen? This is dangerous. I can't be by myself. Oh, my God. Now, I want you to take a minute and think about what would you do if this was a young person that you cared about? It was your responsibility to get them to close their eyes and go to sleep. What are you going to do? Do you have your answer? Hold that in your brain. Just picture it. Here's what I bet you're not going to do. You're not going to go punch that kid in the face, because that's not going to help anything.

Tiffany Han [00:10:22]: You're not going to tell the kid that they are the stupidest, dumbest, most worthless person in the world. You also aren't going to jump onto the bed and be like, oh, my God, there's a monster under the bed. What are we going to do? What are we going to do? Another thing you're not going to do is set the entire room on fire. Nope. Certainly nothing. You're also not going to take that kid and be like, well, you don't have to go to sleep anymore. You are 100% right. And come with me.

Tiffany Han [00:11:02]: We're not going to do any of that. Are we probably going to do something that looks a little bit more like what's over here? Which is go offer that child some comfort. Give them a hug. You might take a flashlight or your phone and look under the bed and let them look under the bed with you to see that there's no monster. You might turn on a nightlight. You might read them a story. You might sing them a song. You're going to tell them that it's okay.

Tiffany Han [00:11:36]: And that you understand that they're afraid and maybe they saw something or heard something. And I get it, that might be scary. You might offer to sit with them for a while and scratch their back until they fall asleep. Remember, the kid is the fear. The monster under the bed is the email. Not setting that bed on fire, are we? You are the capable, discerning, logical, rational adult in the room. What we want to learn how to do is be with the fear in a different way. Whatever you give to the fear is going to come back at you exponentially.

Tiffany Han [00:12:21]: So if you offer that fear loving, kind comfort, witnessing acceptance, that's going to come back to you. If you say to that little kid, you know what, it's okay. You're going to be okay. That monster, that's not a real monster. It's not. There's nothing scary happening. But I understand that you feel so afraid. And so let me do what I can to calm you down.

Tiffany Han [00:12:55]: That is going to come back and it's going to be pouring into you. And what a gift to give that to yourself instead of exhausting yourself trying to fight this pretend monster that was never there in the first place. Now, some of y'all might be thinking right now, but Tiffany, listen, I have a real reason to be afraid of that email. Yes. Okay. Life is not always full of good news. Sometimes stuff happens that we need to respond to. And this is where I want you to call on your radical self belief.

Tiffany Han [00:13:28]: This is where I want to call on trusting yourself and trusting that no matter what happens to you are going to be able to figure it out. You are going to be able to figure it out as you go. Breathe into that, because that becomes the thing that carries you forward. And whatever is in that email doesn't destroy you. It might temporarily throw you off track. I'm not saying not to have your get in your feels about whatever the email says. We don't have to love it, but you also know you'll figure it out and you'll be okay. So how do we deal with the fear when it's in the room? Okay, step number one, think about what you want and be specific.

Tiffany Han [00:14:19]: What is the action that you want to take, that fear is in your way of. So this isn't. I want to speak my truth. It's, I want to be able to tell this person how I really feel. I want to be able to say no and step away from coaching that team at my kids school. I want to be able to say, I understand that you have those expectations about the things that I can do, but I can no longer do that. And it is not my responsibility to carry the weight of your expectations. Get specific.

Tiffany Han [00:14:56]: And after you get specific about what you want to do, identify why you want to do it. Why does it matter? Why is it important? Here is a hint. It probably has to do with integrity. It probably has to do with your values, and it probably has to do for you with a deep sense of what's necessary and right. And so we need to understand what is your goal, because the goal is not to eliminate the fear. Not the goal. That's a happy little byproduct. But that fear is going to come back.

Tiffany Han [00:15:35]: Also, notice, where is your desire bigger than the fear? Why do you want what you want? The next thing I want you to do is decide what the first next right step is. Again, I want you to be specific, so decide what that point of action is going to be. Part of what happens with fear is that as we take action towards whatever it is that we're building, it starts to dissipate. It gets more and more and more and more and more, and then it goes down over that initial roller coaster hump. But the whole way up, we're dreading it. I want you to think small and ideally something that you can do in under three minutes. We are talking quick, quick action. Step three.

Tiffany Han [00:16:27]: Hmm. Ooh. I want you to lean in to the fear. I want you to consider the worst case scenario. I want you to think about what happens if the kid in the bed, what happens if you shine your flashlight under there and there's a monster under the bed, a rat? What would you do then? We're doing two things here. Number one, we're saying to the fear, I see you, and I hear you, and I acknowledge you. I'm witnessing you. When we're afraid, all we want is someone to listen to us.

Tiffany Han [00:17:05]: But having someone be like, don't be afraid. I wish that helped. Or don't worry. Wish that helped. Also. It doesn't help. Neither of those help. Thank you with that bad advice.

Tiffany Han [00:17:15]: Please get out of here. It doesn't help. It makes you feel terrible. It adds a layer of shame onto you. And it doesn't make the fear go away. In fact, it makes it worse, because then we feel the fear about feeling the fear. So instead, we want to be like, tell me more. What's happening here? What's underneath all of this? And what I often find is that something is really important to me and that I am afraid of letting somebody down, letting myself down.

Tiffany Han [00:17:51]: Disappointing somebody, disappointing myself or having somebody tell me that I can't hack it. Having some sort of a rejection. We can talk a lot about that rejection. Fear, y'all. I've got so many thoughts on that. So many things. I must leave. But I want you to stay with it.

Tiffany Han [00:18:12]: And I want you to dig underneath and go through the layers. Because what we're looking for is what else is present here? And what usually there is is you are craving a sense of safety. You're craving a sense of acceptance. You want that validation, the witnessing. You want someone to say, I see you and you're doing a great job and you're amazing. Guess what? We all want that. It's not just you. Not just me.

Tiffany Han [00:18:46]: All of us. All of us. Let's try something. Let's try a little experiment. If you are hearing this, whether it's on the podcast or YouTube or on my website or wherever, I'm going to make a post about this episode on my instagram. And if you are hearing this and you are like, yeah, that's all I want, too, the sins of belonging. Go to that post and put a butterfly in the comments. You can find that post on my Instagram feed.

Tiffany Han [00:19:17]: I'm thetiffanie Hahn. I'll come in and leave a link to it in the show notes and on my feed, I'll put a butterfly in the. In the feed image. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens when you realize it's not just you. Let's see how many people will come in and do that together. Fun? Yes. Great.

Tiffany Han [00:19:40]: Okay. We've thought about what we want. We've identified the first next right step. And guess what? You can keep identifying the first next right step. Just do the next right thing. We've leaned into the fear. We've examined that worst case scenario. By examining it and looking at it, we're taking away its power.

Tiffany Han [00:19:57]: Now, I want you to. This is like the most underrated advice ever. So simple, not so easy. We always forget. I want you to close your eyes and take a deep breath and check in with your body. That's the whole step. Four, here's why I want you to do that. Number one, it lets you see how you're feeling.

Tiffany Han [00:20:23]: But number two, when you see how you're feeling, when you deliberately breathe, you're depowering that fear even more. You're getting out of your head and into your body. You're also saying to your nervous system, I am safe. When we are actually in a fight or flight scenario, we're not breathing deeply. We're not closing our eyes. We're not connecting with our body. We are like, get out of here. That T Rex is behind me.

Tiffany Han [00:20:50]: Go. And finally, step five, do the thing and listen, listen, listen. Do it uncomfortable. Do it even if your heart is in your throat, even if you are like, ugh, I don't know, divinity. This is so hard. Yes. You've identified the first next right step. It's going to take under two minutes.

Tiffany Han [00:21:23]: Just take that step. And then if you need to hide under your desk or take a walk or go scream into a pillow or whatever or eat some kit kats, great. Go do that next, do it uncomfortable and get it done. Because two things. Number one, that action is going to move you forward. Great. But number two, it's going to teach you that you can survive doing things with fear present. Because guess what? You have survived every hard thing life has handed you up until this point.

Tiffany Han [00:21:57]: Let's celebrate that. What a joy. What a gift. So that's what you do with the fear now. It's going to come back. Oh, I must have failed because fear came back. No, no, it's just. It's just what happens.

Tiffany Han [00:22:14]: It's just what happens. And you might find other tricks that you can play with the fear and you might have other strategies, and that's great. But you can also just lean back on this if you want to. That's also okay. No wrong answers here. You are stronger than you realize. I can't wait to hear how this goes. Let me know.

Tiffany Han [00:22:36]: Lean on it. Do the butterfly comment in the Instagram post. You're amazing. I'll see you soon.