[00:00:00] Hey friends. Okay. This week we're talking about saying no. Why are we talking about saying no? I thought this was all about saying yes, it is. And that's why we're gonna talk about why the no is so important because it's in service of that bigger. Yes. Picking up where we were last week. This week, I wanna talk about the different kinds of nos that you wanna say.

[00:00:27] I wanna talk about the one no, that you might. Already be saying, but have no idea that you're saying, I wanna talk about the signs that a no is tapping you on the shoulder, that you're ready to start saying. And I wanna give you a few different scripts that you can use to help you say no, as well as a couple of really great no resources.

[00:00:51] Okay, I'm gonna start with like the basics of why no is so important. Number one, saying no is what actually makes [00:01:00] the space for your, yes. Okay. Hold on. Got the shelf behind me. And let's say that I am dying to get a shelf tier system. I dunno. Or like a giant sloth. I want a giant sloth. To go with my little baby sloth that one of my kids painted.

[00:01:22] I wanted, I do want a giant sloth for my shelf, right? And I've got my eye on this sloth, and I keep thinking like, oh, if only I could get my hands on that sloth, everything would be great. But here's the problem. That shelf is full. Oh, all the shelves are full. There's nowhere to put the sloth, which means that when I come home, I am either gonna have the sloth somewhere that it doesn't belong, or I'm gonna have to scramble to make all this space for it, or we're gonna like put the [00:02:00] sloth on top of the books, or we're gonna have to like jumble the books to get.

[00:02:05] I know it's just a metaphor, but it's not gonna be great. Right? It's not gonna be great. And what's gonna happen is this sloth that I've like waited my whole life to get for my shelf tier system, it's not gonna feel good. And I'm gonna be like, wow, I waited my whole life for that sloth. And like what? For?

[00:02:22] What did it get me? Me? I don't even like it. Think instead how powerful it would be right now for me to clear off the shelf and be like, you know what? I don't need all these books. Who needs these books? I don't need these books. I'm gonna get rid of these books so that I have room for my sloth when it comes.

[00:02:38] And then every time I see that shelf, instead of like, oh, it's an empty shelf, I should fill it with more books. No, no, no, no, she shouldn't. Because that shelf is waiting for the sloth to come in. And then I bring my sloth shelf sloth home, and I slot it in like, we're good, right? We're good. So make space.

[00:02:59] Right. [00:03:00] And the way that we make space in our lives is by saying, no. Here is something that I need you to remember. Is it every yes that you say, I wanna raise my hand and say, yes. Great. Do it. Ugh, I love it. Every yes has a corresponding no. Oh, I say yes to dinner with friends. I say no to a night at home. I say yes to saying up late to watch Bridgerton.

[00:03:25] I say no to a good night's sleep. I say yes to an early morning walk with friends. I say no to pajamas and coffee on the couch. Right? Every yes has a corresponding no and every, no. Y'all has a corresponding yes. Which means every time you say no to something, you're not just being a jerk. You're not just being selfish.

[00:03:52] You're not just letting people down. Even if the people around you make you feel like you are. Every time you say no, you're saying yes to something [00:04:00] else. Often, often, every time you say no to something out there, you are saying yes to something in here, and every time you say yes to something out there, how often are you saying no to something and here is something that you want and need.

[00:04:14] Oh. So when you think about if you wanna say no to something, one really great way to play with the idea is just to ask yourself, well, if I say no to that, what am I saying yes to? Vice versa before you say yes to something, especially if you're not sure if it's something you want or need, or like, should I really do this?

[00:04:38] What are you gonna be saying no to? Sometimes when we say yes to something, we're saying no to our fear. You know? I like that. Right, right. But sometimes when we say no to something, we're saying yes to our fear. So figure that one out. What are the different types of No. Well, one, [00:05:00] there's the easy No. The low hanging fruit.

[00:05:02] No, the no. That is like, uh, yeah. No, I don't want that. Great. Good, good. Do that now. Right? Like, those are the nos that are like done, done, and done, and done and done and done. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm free. Great. If you have easy nos in your life that you are still saying yes to, why, why? Just start saying no.

[00:05:27] The next is gonna be the relief. No, the no that you, oh, that you have been carrying around on your heart for so long. That is not gonna be an easy No, but the no, that is like, ugh, just saying it out loud is gonna bring me so much relief. There's also just gonna be the like nearly impossible to say. No. I know.

[00:05:54] I'm sorry. I wish that it wasn't the case. And to be clear, [00:06:00] I am not over here saying you have to say all of these nos all at once. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I say no to that. See, no, no, no, no. But let yourself know what you want, right? And think about for these nodes, especially the hardest ones, do they contribute to you being hungry, angry.

[00:06:20] Lonely, and tired? And if they do, they're keeping you from this. Yes. They're keeping you from this life that makes you feel alive and like yourself, right? They're gonna be the reed and preemptive nos that are like, I know this is coming, I'm just gonna opt down now. And then there are, there are what I like to call the invisible nos, and these are the nos that you might already be saying.

[00:06:53] And have no idea. And I really want you to pay attention if you are like, oh my God, I'm so busy. How am I so [00:07:00] busy all the time? And I just, you're like, that meme, that's like adulthood is just saying, yeah, I'll do that. When things get less busy and like less busy never arriving, I

[00:07:12] If we keep saying yes. You're saying no to yourself, but we are so good y'all. You are so good at being like a little stress sponge and absorbing the stress of everybody around you and being like, no, no, no. It's fine. I can do it, right? Mm. Yeah. We've all done that. No, no, I can do it. It's fine. It's fine. And every time you have to do that, you're compromising your spirit.

[00:07:40] You're saying no to yourself or you're saying no to your health. Your wellness, your, your spirit, right? And all of those nos are going to take a toll, but we can't always see the effects of stress. And [00:08:00] so we think it's fine. And we call it getting by, right? Sometimes we call it going through the motions.

[00:08:09] Yes. I know sometimes we call it just being busy, waiting for things to calm down. What is the cost of the things that you're currently saying yes to? And is that cost, is it worth it? What is the value that you're getting in return?

[00:08:32] And what bigger mo more beautiful yeses? Is it keeping you from right?

[00:08:40] So how do you do it? How do you say no? Well, the easiest script is, I'm sorry. I can't, I love that one. Oh, can you, I'm, I'm sorry. I can't. Right. Those are gonna be the easier yeses. And sometimes if everybody in your life is like so [00:09:00] acco mm, so accustomed to you being a yes to them, you're gonna be like, I'm sorry, I can't.

[00:09:06] And they're gonna be like, wait, what? But you always do that. You are the person who handles things. You're the person that everybody else counts on. Ooh. And you are gonna be like, oh my God, I'm, I'm letting everybody down. I'm a horrible person. Yeah. That voice that's saying, you're letting everybody down and you're a horrible person is lying to you.

[00:09:28] Not a, this is like a no jerks allowed zone. You're not a jerk. Does have that person been like terribly taking a, I mean, maybe, but also maybe they've just been like, cool. If she keeps saying yes, he keeps saying yes, great. Maybe there are no bad guys here. I don't know. I don't know. Right. There are a lot of situations that we just keep being okay with and when we wait for the other people in our life to be like, oh, I'm taking advantage of you.

[00:09:59] You shouldn't work [00:10:00] late for no more pay. I mean, I wish, right? Like I wish, um, that's not how capitalism works, so I'm sorry I can't, great one. Sometimes it's gonna take more extra hat and sometimes there's gonna be like more friction on the back end of the no. What I like to do with this one is really like get strategic about it.

[00:10:28] Currently I'm holding a no. That I, that I need to say, and I know there's gonna be pushback and I know that people in my life are going to try to talk me out of this. No, it's nothing huge. Nothing earth shattering. Probably I'm the only one making a big deal out of it, and it's important to me, right? So it, what I'm doing is I am creating for myself that container of safety that I talked about last week and saying, what do I need to feel safe in this decision?

[00:10:56] What do I need to protect my decision? Right? Because like it's just a, [00:11:00] it is a whittle, baby bird tweet, tweet, tweet. And so what I need is to not shout no from the rooftops, not tell everybody about my decision right away. Some people I'm gonna wait to tell because I know they're not gonna like it. Okay, great.

[00:11:15] Right? So what do you need to create that container of safety? Sometimes you wanna say. I need a break. I love to be able to say no by saying that's not sustainable for me. I don't currently have capacity. 'cause if someone tries to argue with you, well yeah. Okay. I would love to have capacity too, but I don't.

[00:11:38] Right. Watch out for the, I can't right now, but, but I will later. Hmm. That one feels good in the moment, but then they follow up and you're like, shit. Now what? Now I've gotta go do the thing. 'cause I said I do the thing, and then you're just doing it out of obligation. Be really careful about [00:12:00] that one. If you wanna leave the door open to it, you could say, I'll let you know.

[00:12:02] If something changes, you could say, feel free to follow up with me later, and if I can, I will. You're not making any promises. But when we have shown up to our lives so often from a place of obligation, it's hard. Right. It is hard. So just watch out for yourself. Here's the other thing I wanna say. When it comes to like no scripts, you might need to practice, right?

[00:12:33] Your no might start like a whisper before it can be a loud no. So if you currently have a big no that's looming in your heart and you're like, oh my God, how am I gonna say this? And I, let's start with a baby step. Which might be like an easier no, a smaller no. Or it might be like a little whisper of a no to somebody who is really safe for you.[00:13:00]

[00:13:00] Remembering y'all please, remembering that every No. As a corresponding yes. So in embracing these nos, you're saying yes to something bigger, right? You're saying yes to something more powerful. Okay. I have two books to recommend if you want more help on this. Number one is the Joy of Saying No by my dear friend Natalie Lou.

[00:13:26] It is a book that is going to help you stop people pleasing, reclaim your boundaries, and find joy for yourself. And the second book is The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban. I love, what I love about this one is that it has like red, yellow, green scripts for different scenarios that. Allow you to look at like the boundaries that you wanna set and how intensely do you need to set them, because.

[00:13:54] Sometimes we think like Annie, just set a hard boundary when it's like maybe you start with a conversation, right? And [00:14:00] whew, you wanna start saying no. Remember, you're not a bad person. You are allowed to make space in your life for the things that you want to say yes to. You are allowed to make space in your life for the life that you are hungry to live, that you do not have to wait until you're.

[00:14:20] Not busy anymore, that you do not have to wait until things calm down, that you can start tiptoeing into the life you want now. Yeah. Uhhuh by raising your hand and saying yes to saying no. Yeah.